


Of Loneliness, Unhappiness and the Need to move on

by Paxfacere



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anger Management, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Haruno Sakura is So Done, How Do I Tag, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Uchiha Sasuke Being an Idiot, Uchiha Sasuke-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:14:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23343043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paxfacere/pseuds/Paxfacere
Summary: Maybe Sasuke was bound to feel unhappy. To feel this burning all consuming anger. Maybe he was just awkward at dealing with his feelings. And maybe all of them are a little bit deranged.Post-War.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke
Comments: 5
Kudos: 61





	Of Loneliness, Unhappiness and the Need to move on

**Author's Note:**

> Beware that this is not beta-read and english is not my first language. If there are too many errors let me know.
> 
> Otherwise enjoy :)

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**I. Lonely**

Her long slender fingers trace his skin. He shivers where the tips of them softy touch him. While she may not be the best Ninja on the battlefield she is skilled with her healing jutsu. There is not point in wondering when she had gotten so powerful. The last time he saw her - really saw her - was years past behind them.

_‚I know all about your past. Even if you get revenge though… It won’t bring anyone hapiness. Not even you, Sasuke.‘_

Was he happy now?

He didn’t feel happy when he finally killed his brother. He wasn’t happy when Konoha was destroyed. Would have becoming Hokage made him happy? Had fighting with Naruto made him happy?

Doubtful.

Nothing he ever did brought him any peace of mind. Maybe he was bound to feel unhappy. To feel this burning all consuming anger. He had wanted to see the world burn. But fighting alongside his old team mates stirred long buried feelings in him.

Belonging.

Yet he couldn’t just return to his old pitiful live, he was an avenger. The only thing he could do was leave destruction in his wake. But Naruto was having non of that. It wasn’t his way of Ninja. Fighting with him showed him he wasn’t the only one suffering.

If he were to return to his old live, could he feel resigned this way eventually? Maybe detaching every remaining limp and he could accept his fate. Unable to bring anyone else unhappiness anymore. Unable to do anything wrong again, not being manipulated by anyone. Only a burning itch remaining that would fade with time.

The green light of her hands is soothing. He wants to grab her hands. Not to stop her from touching him but to hold onto that light, to breath it in. To feel more of her skin. Sasuke wants to close his eyes embracing the warmth her healing emits, embrace the softness and lightness he starts to feel. It is dulling the pain - his thoughts become muddy - it would have dulled his anger if he didn’t feel so numb right now.

The bleeding stops and the torn skin is mending itself. But his arm stays severed.

It is over too soon and only a warm comfortable feeling is left when she withdraws her hands. Thats when he catches her eyes. Her gaze holds the same shade of green than her healing chakra. As if she herself was pouring the softness and lightness all into her hands to mend him back again. 

In a way she is.

He clenches his jaw when an uncomfortable and long forgotten sensation floods his stomach. Like someone punched him hard.

She doesn’t smile. Only a tightlipped nod before her attention is back on Naruto. Sasuke would have bet the other would complain non stop about the pain. He only smiles brightly instead, trying not to winch when she touches him too. As soon as she is finished patching the dolt - not without hundreds of declaration that both of them are idiots - the blond jumps to his feet.

Naruto grabs the Medic, lifts her off somehow with only one full arm and swings her around him - while laughing like the idiot he is. Sasuke rolls his eyes. It is as if nothing has changed. Sakura lets out a small shriek but soon finds herself laughing along. When he lets her down she slaps at him.

"Watch out for your arm! If you re-open the wound again, I’m letting you bleed to death."

No - way too much has changed. While he never actively engaged with his team in the past, he was still a part of them. Now it is like he is looking at two strangers that wear the faces of his old team mates. Kakashi grabs his shoulders smiling fondly at the other two. A feeling that he knows well hits him.

Loneliness.

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**II. Homeless**

Both he and Naruto have to stay at the hospital while some old geezers decide his fate, while the rest of the village waits to celebrate Naruto - their hero. Doing nothing is worse than the waiting in itself. She visits them quite often. It’s her job to look after them, she tells the two. Every time she smiles brightly at him like she can’t believe he is really here - he also struggles with that - yet her smile somehow seems off for some reason. A cold feeling settles over him and leaves him confused. When both are finally released Naruto stops him.

„Don’t you dare to hurt her. I will kill you for real this time.“

There is a protectiveness in his voice that Sasuke is unfamiliar with. Again he is just an outsider in the close friendship of the two. But then Naruto laughs and wants to treat the team to ramen.

Despite what everyone thinks he cared about his team. He knew if he had stayed he would never have been able to archive his mission. His teammates had given him a place, a family - a home. He had to choose between them and his revenge. If he hadn’t left right when he did, he would never have.

For the time being Naruto will stay with Iruka until the repairs in the village are done. Naruto is homeless as it seems. But because he is also homeless, Sakura offered him to stay at her apartment. After the war the Uchiha compound is not fit to inhabit anyone. He is also sure the Hokage wants someone she trusts to have an eye on him.

He thought he would be put into jail or something. But apparently the Hokage has given him half a pardon. He has to help to rebuild the village and it is unspoken but the Anbu will watch his every move. He is also forbidden from leaving the village for now. At least until he has proven himself trustworthy enough.

So far - it is not great. All the places that held meaning to him have been destroyed and he feels like he himself had done so. Waking trough the streets he feels unwelcome. This is not his home.

He wonders if he even knows what home feels like.

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**III. Lost**

Sakura's flat is small but sufficient. He sleeps on the couch and she makes breakfast in the morning. She instructs him to go grocery shopping and help with the cleaning while she is working at the hospital. If she is not there she is helping around the village and when she gets home she is dead tired. They only see each other in passing between the doors.

He also spends little time there. It feels claustrophobic. Either he has to help with the repairs or he spends his time walking around aimlessly. Sasuke does train to stay fit but without a goal and an undecided future he can’t bring himself to push too hard. It is the first time where he has no aim. He is drifting - like a leaf (ha). For the time being he is stuck. For now it is unclear if he can ever work as a Ninja again. Letting him run around the village and trusting a former missing nin with sensible information are after all not comparable.

Sometimes he thinks about how he should revive his clan. It would be something Itachi would have wanted. But for that he is in need of a wive and… Sakuras image immediately appears on the forefront of his mind and his stomach clenches in that uncomfortable way again. He pushes his thoughts away again.

He isn’t even sure if this is something he wants. Reviving his clan. The thoughts about his dead brother also leaves him feeling paralyzed. He doesn’t know if this raw ugly feeling when he thinks about him will ever lessen in intensity. But he knows that when he does feel something it is always rather intense and overwhelming. 

He has no clue what he should do with himself now that he gained some new inside.

He feels lost.

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**IV. Fragmented**

It is the first time that all of the Ninjas his age, that fought in the war are brought together. Naruto wants to celebrate his birthday as big as possible. It feels like the whole remaining village is pressed into Irukas small flat. He didn’t want to participate but somehow he feels so guilty and doesn’t want to disappoint any of his team members in any way that he forces himself to go. Even if he will spend the complete evening not talking to anyone and ignoring the mean looks and back-handed comments that he is forced to endure ever since he is back again.

So Sasuke finds himself squashed between the edge of the couch and Sakura. Every time she laughs he can feel the vibration of her body as if it were his own. It does the funny thing to his stomach again. He doesn’t like it. He likes it even less that she barely speaks with him. Not even in the shared flat they speak more than needed. Hell - they almost never see each other there. Not that he wants the attention. He has enough eyes following his every move. Waiting for him to misbehave. But with her it is different. He was so used to having her eyes on him. Used to having her talk non stop. 

Now she is a stranger to him and treating him as such. Of course a lot of time has past but with her treatment it makes him feel even less welcome in Konoha than he knows he is. Somehow he always took consolation during the last years that if he ever returned team seven would greet him with open arms. No matter what he did. Despite him trying to sever his past. Being effective in this regard stings. He knew deep down - despite his denying - that he thought about them as family. 

Naruto and Kakashi are the only ones that don’t treat him any differently. But without her soft voice talking, her wide sparking eyes, without her just being there the team…

… the team doesn’t feel whole.

He is not used to this and he is not okay with this. She is avoiding him he realizes. As he watches her give Naruto a kiss on the cheek and she wishes him a happy birthday again as the two of them leave in the evening he wonders what had changed.

He also wonders if he will ever be able to feel whole again.

And if he ever had before.

It is a couple of days later that both of them are at the apartment at the same time. (He will not call that place home.) It’s Saturday and Naruto will come back from a short three-day mission today. Sakura is nervously nibbling her lips while he leans at the table drinking tea. Both of them are quiet and the silence is awkward. He normally likes the quietness, but knowing now that she is actually avoiding him somehow, he wants to fill that silence. Sasuke just doesn’t know what he should say at all.

When Naruto finally shows up greeting them happily asking if just ramen will do, Sakura looks relieved. He tells them he didn’t know they were supposed to eat together she coughs awkwardly, fiddling with her hands again.

„Just the two of us.“

He loses the grip on the cup of tea and the sound it makes as it gets splintered into pieces both of them jump.

„...It’s tradition,“ Sakura says quietly while Naruto is frowning at her. He must find whatever answer he was looking for because when he turns to him again he mouth a silent ’sorry’.

„I don’t care,“ he tells them as he watches the broken pieces with an unsettling fascination. Sasuke doesn’t know what is wrong with him. With one arm he tries to clean up the mess, properly looking like a helpless invalid. Sakura immediately wants to help him. But he can convince both of them to leave him alone - that he doesn’t need their help at all.

He doesn’t know why the back of his throat and his eyes start to burn. He is not a helpless cripple. He doesn’t need help from any of them. And he is definitely not splintering into pieces coming apart at his seams.

_He is not._

But deep down he thinks he is the cup.

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**V. Jealous**

He is supposed to meet with Naruto for ramen (again). He really wants to ditch. But this ugly gnawing guilt and his curiosity about the other day prevent him from doing so. He was right after all. She is avoiding him since he moved in. It just didn’t dawn on him until he thought about it. He grinds his teeth.

„She didn’t think you would have wanted to come along.“

When Sasuke doesn’t answer Naruto tries to explain the situation without really explaining anything.

„We always eat out at the first opportunity when one comes back from a mission that lasts for multiple days. No Kakashi, no Sai - just the two of us. But we three can create or own tradition now.“

Like a _date_ his treacherous mind complies, while ignoring the rest Naruto is saying. His jaw is starting to hurt. Accompanied by a burning sensation he was so used to feel. He is an avenger he once thought. Feeling this burning anger - or a milder version is familiar but unwelcome. He is unwelcome. He can understand that tradition. But she never bothered to say anything upfront. Just waiting and gnawing her lips, relieved as she could leave his company again. Not even thinking about including him onto their team. 

Naruto who was watching him suddenly blinks and then starts to laugh at him with his full mouth, looking like the moron he is. He feels insulted.

„You are jealous,“ the blond finally concludes, with a sobering look that makes him look more mature - like the hero he is supposed to be. It looks wrong on his face. Naruto has no right to look like that, when they are the same age.

The same. 

He is looking from Naruto's missing arm to his own. The only thing that he had left behind. _The only._

There are no ghosts of his past. And no crying girls begging him to stay. No death brothers. No masters and puppeteers trying to manipulate him at every turn. No war. No home he left behind. No - there is only team seven. But they have left him behind. Or it is the other way around. Maybe they took the remains of his lost limb with them and left the rest of his useless body. And now he has no idea how he can ever catch up with them again.

Sasuke is looking back at the blond who has mastered eating ramen with one arm only. He is suddenly clearly aware how awfully stupid his thoughts are. He shrugs as an answer. He doesn’t need to say it out loud but he wants to be part of them again.

Maybe he is jealous.

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**VI. Unhappy**

He is training with his old sensei while Sakura is watching from a distance. He has to test out his new prosthetic. She watches if everything fits as it should. It feels odd. Somehow he became used to the feeling of his missing arm and the memory of it in the short weeks. The Hokage called it phantom pain. Trough it never felt painful for him. It was a reminder of what he had lost and the strange unwelcome sensation that was left was something he accepted as his new fate. Now he has a new arm and he has to promise to himself that he will never do anything bad with it. Even if he has a wrapped sense of right and wrong.

After the training she checks if something is a miss - her hand roaming over his shoulder - the remains of his arm. Her fingers dance in that cool light and he leans in, noticing the way she smells. Something floral but heavy and earthy. Like the humid air before a summer storm. In his memory she always seemed to smell like a soft summer breeze. When she steps back their eyes connect for a moment and his mouth suddenly feels dry. 

They barely speak afterwards and when she leaves he notices how she only says good bye to Kakashi. He gives him a curious glance.

„You know how happy she is that you are home again, right?“

He doesn’t know that. She certainly doesn’t act like she is happy at all.

But what does he even know about happiness.

When he gets back to her apartment he finally finds the courage to talk to her about all this. She slams her fist on the table making the wood crack. He still can’t wrap his head around how strong she became.

„Have you lost the rest of your damn mind?“

First on, he is taken aback at her harsh tone. Second he would murder Naruto for his advise.

_„If it bothers you so much then just finally talk to her."_

The other had told him after wiping that amused grin of his face to the fact that he maybe was jealous. But talking to her with the keywords of ‚Naruto', ‚dating' and 'is that why you are avoiding me‘, didn’t go over so well. This wasn’t what he wanted to say at all. No, he only wanted to apologize for what ever he did, so he could make it up to her. Somehow only the wrong words came out. Not that he ever was good with words. She rightfully blows up at him.

Maybe he even misunderstood Naruto. Probably. He wasn’t good at reading the other. He was even worse at reading her. He could - before. But that was before and now was now.

„Maybe I want too. Falling for him instead. It isn't your business who I want to date or not.“

So she doesn’t outright deny his question, even if she doesn’t confirm anything. 

_What about me?_ He wants to ask her. From what he read between the lines she doesn’t even like Naruto in _that_ way. But he doesn’t fully understand the situation - too much time in between. But he gets what she is saying. Much to his charging and even if he can’t understand the why. 

Hadn't she always liked him? He wasn’t that dense to never notice - hell, she even told him. Multiply times. Somehow that she could change her mind never occurred to him. She left him standing in the doorway and he knows she will avoid him now even more.

He is an idiot. He feels like his friends have stabbed him in the back. Not only did he not manage to to not resolve the issue, he had mad it worse. An icy feeling settles. He can’t seem to do anything right in his life.

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**VII. Rejected**

He doesn’t know how to put his thoughts into the right words. How to formulate what is bugging him. He wants to make up for the lost time. Wants to stop feeling so horribly guilty all the time. But he doesn’t know how. Naruto’s not really helpful.

„She told me what you said. Seriously dude. That was insensitive.“

Says the boy that can’t even spell sensitive right. He is annoyed. But there is nothing he can do about it anymore. And he can’t bring himself to feel angry at Naruto. Naruto reached him a little finger and he tor of his arm. Maybe he is damned to feel this torn. This lost.

„Sasuke. I’m not dating Sakura.“

The intensity in the blue eyes is entirely Naruto and yet the complete focused and mature way he is behaving is unnerving. He will never get used to it. He also doesn’t feel relieved. Naruto is also at a loss not understanding why she is behaving so coldly towards him. According to Naruto she is happy that he is back again. If only she would act like that.

At least she mellows out after a while. She was never one to stay angry for long just having a temper about it and needing to cool down. Now they are sitting outside and watching Naruto spar with Kakashi. Naruto tries to get used to his prosthetic as much as possible. He uses the opportunity to apologize for jumping to conclusions. He tells her what he wanted to say before every sense seem to have left him.

Everything about how he sees the team. About him. How he realized the only thing that stuck out was how sorry he was to leave her behind. Not the team. Not Naruto - no, specifically her - and how he had to or he would never have gotten to where he thought he was supposed to be. And how guilty he feels all the time, how he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

It is shocking as this is the most he has ever said to her, despite only using few words. Sasuke thought telling her would make him fell uncomfortable, it isn’t. He bits the inside of his cheeks waiting for her to say something.

She listens quietly. Her head titled, showing that she heard him, but never looking at him. It is startling how much he wants her green eyes focused on him again. She nods once.

„I am sorry for avoiding you. I just didn’t know how to act around you but I’m happy you are here again. Just take your time to figure everything out as long as you are here with us - _home_."

There is still so much left unsaid. Then her eyes are on him piercing him and he shudders. She should look everywhere but not at him. She told him during the fight against Kaguya how she still felt about him. If he where to ask her about it now, he knows she would say it doesn’t matter anymore. But he will not ask and she doesn’t need to say it. Her eyes are saying enough. 

Sasuke feels like he might puke.

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**VIII. Clueless**

It is the strangest situation he has ever found himself in. He is sitting between that darkhaired Anbu-guy that calls him ’traitor’ and Ino drinking tea. He can’t for the life of his explain how he ended up here at the Yamanaka flower-shop, being dragged into this conversation.

„Well being in love and loving someone are two similar but different feelings.“

Sai nods with understanding. „I want to spend time with team seven but i wound’t want to kiss ‚dickless‘ or ‚ugly‘."

He feels his eyes twitch at the nicknames for his friends. Ino is watching him carefully before turning her attention back at the other. Maybe he should't have let that asshole provoke him into drinking tea and listening to his stupid questions. Also could they be any more obvious he asks himself as he tries not to gag at the eyes they are making at each other. Ino now starts to explain in full detail how it feels to be ‚in love‘ and his mind wanders. Sakura had told him that she loved him before. Did she also feel like that?The implication of what that fully means starts to hit him only now. Sasuke swallows heavily.

The thought somehow makes him uncomfortable and at the same time his stomach makes that annoying flipping feeling that Ino just now starts to describe in a way that even Sai can understand it. He is an idiot. 

Both of the other two are staring at him. Did he say that out loud? 

„What?“ he bites back annoyed.

It is like Ino can read minds. A wicked smile spreads on her face that makes her look a bit like a maniac. „You should take some flowers with you when you leave“. And then an understanding expression appears on Sais face that makes him want to punch him. Sasuke really feels out of his element.

Sakura stares at the flowers with a deep frown muttering something about Ino-pig when he gets to the apparement. He shares the sentiment.

She only thanks him before putting the flowers in a vase not adding anything, looking a bit confused. Should he say something? He still doesn’t know how to express himself. At least she is not avoiding him in this obvious way but they still don’t really talk with each other.

„Sakura.“

She looks at him puzzled trying to figure him out. Is he that hard to read? It seems these days everyone else knows what is on his mind when even someone as clueless as Sai can figure it out. 

„You told me that you…“ he doesn’t know how to finish this sentence but she gets what he is revering to.

„And I always will, you know.“

Then she smiles in a softly resigned way and his heart arches. After hearing all these talks about feelings the whole afternoon he can read it between the lines. The unspoken words that doesn’t need to be verbalized. Just because she may feel that way about him doesn’t mean she wants to be with him.

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**IIX. Damaged**

Being home again gets easier after a while. Nobody is staring as obviously at him anymore. Him being around is old news. Now he is just there. Like he was supposed to be. Years ago in another life.

It is not his life anymore. And he definitely can’t just show up and pick up everything he has left behind.

It is an ugly feeling eating at him. He already knew it would turn out like that. But he also feels like he owns it to his team. He is not here for his sake but for theirs. Guilt will do so much. Thinking about it he can also understand Sakuras hesitance when it comes to him. He doesn’t know how he should deal with all this. He obviously never learned how to deal with feelings well as his history shows him. He feels overwhelmed.

The Hokage told him he should start to talk with someone - that for the Anbu-members it is required to have mental check-ups. He went trough a war and a lot more and if he wants to work as Ninja ever again has to consider that option sooner or later.

When thinking about his future Sasuke comes to only one conclusion. He is not someone who sits around and waits until things get resolved by talking. He wants to act and see results. Making up his mind he realizes that he never openly shown her his… feelings. And he also is horrible at reading her as he learned shortly ago. 

So he will have to do something instead of waiting and talking. Maybe he also doesn’t want someone else trying to pick a part of his brain. Analyzing his thoughts and talking about his feelings. Like he is damaged.

_He is._

He is not damaged.

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**Deranged. IX**

_„What?"_

He asks her. Just like that. If she doesn’t want to be with him. She looks at him bewildered and blinks a couple of times.

„I… want to.“ 

Her answer is slow and he steps closer. Like a magnet he is being drawn in basically trapping her between these walls and himself. Actions and results he thinks before some instinct he never knew he possessed lets his lips finally collide with hers. It doesn’t last long before she pushes him back with a shaking hand on his chests.

„Please don’t— I can’t."

His stomach drops at her pleading almost hurt expression. This is not what he intended. He ignores how whiny his voice sounds.

_„Why?“_

He will be patient because something is clearly bugging her and he has to know— And he wants to kiss her again. She swallows a couple of times trying to find the right words, clearly at war with herself.

„It hurts. I love you but i can’t keep holding on anymore. It should be easy and not like… not like that.“

That doesn’t put him at ease. And answers nothing.

„It can be. Easy.“

She looks at him with her beautiful green eyes clearly wrestling with herself and he can’t read her at all.

„Sasuke-kun. Please just don’t do this now. I need some distance— It is not fair.“

It is also not fair to never give him a chance he thinks but bites his lips as he stares at her.

„Sakura."

He only says her name instead and she must find whatever answer she is seeking in his eyes. She inflates in herself while he takes a small step back to give her room to breath.

„Fine. You really, really want to go there?“

He doesn’t explicit know what she means but right know he only wants to resolve this issue. He nods curtly.

„ _Fuck you_ Sasuke“. His jaw clenches. She looks shocked for a moment at her own words then her eyes narrow and she makes up her mind.

„Fuck you— for making us all cry and worry about you. We are a _team_. We should have each others back but you only ever thought about us holding you back. But thats in the past. 

Fuck you for making me wrestle that promise out of Naruto. He did every-

**fucking-**

thing to make good on it. You both clearly lost your minds. And tearing off each others arm seemed to be the only solution. I think you destroyed something in him. Whatever. You have to live with that. 

But let's not forget the most important thing. FUCK YOU **for trying to _murder_ me!"**

He takes a sharp inhale. Her face flashes with some unresolved hidden rage. While he is at a loss for words for a moment she continuous, now gaining steam her voice getting louder.

„How can you possible think in that deranged head of yours I would ever want to kiss you after that. No matter how silly my feelings for you seem to be. I’d rather be unhappily in love with you for the rest of time than to let myself forget how you treated us. I’m more worth than that to myself.“

As if to paraphrase each point, she stabs a finger into his chest. 

Her eyes shine with hot angry tears that just won’t fall, while a gut wrenching unhappy smile fights his way on her face.

„And yes - I am so unbelievable happy that you are here again. But loving you is— it's madness."

Her fingers now curl softly into his shirt. He just wants to kiss all the unhappiness away but he can’t. Sasuke hasn’t moved an inch and is still so close he can feel her hot angry breath on his face. He did ask for that. Yet he feels like something in him cracks. He wants to defend himself. _You tried to kill me first, or I didn’t need Narutos obsessive promise, I had to follow that path because—_

But it all vaporizes at the one thought that she will never forgive him for that. This is what hurts the most. Sasuke steps back in slow sluggish movements and sits down at the table staring at the opposite wall. He hears how she tries to get her breath back in control. He looks at his fingers as he flex and unflex his hand. When he finally says something in respond his voice is low and raw and he wonders if he spoke out at all.

„You can handle your feelings how ever you want. If there is something I can do for you just say it. 

I just hope someday you will be able to forgive me. Then at least on of us would do so“.

There is so much more he wants to say but his thoughts are non existent at the moment. Like someone has switched him off. He is not looking at her again, too ashamed of his earlier behaviors. Sees not how her face crumbles, only hears how she softly cries. That is something he was always good at. 

Making her cry.

Maybe the Hokage is right. He needs someone picking apart at his brain.

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**X. Drunk**

When Naruto finally opens the door he goes straight to the couch dropping his bag with his few belongings. 

„I wanted to ask you if you’d like to move in until you can start working again, you know? Theres a spare room. You finally sick of crashing on someone else's couch?“

Naruto says while scrapping the back of his head with humor in his voice. There are still moving boxes stacked on the floor. In any other mood he would probably be relieved at gaining his own space. Not that he minded sleeping on a couch. He had worse. Instead he ignores the words and goes into the kitchen rummaging for the bottle of sake Naruto bought for the day after tomorrow when Kakashi will officially be the sixth Hokage.

„Teme? Everything okay?“

He opens the bottle and takes a big swig. And another, and another before finally sitting down while shoving the bottle into Naruto's hands. The blonde looks confused at the sake before sitting next to him.

„What happened?“

„Shut up and drink. I want to pass out drunk with a friend, not talk about how fucked up my life is. So drink up or I will visit Kakashi instead.“

Naruto is easy to manipulate in that way. Of course they are friends but him acknowledging that out loud is something that makes the other comply without expressing worry. Sasuke normally hates alcohol. It's something he always turned up his noes against. It makes one numb and you’d loose full control over yourself. Right now he wants his own head to shut up. And if he is honest he wants someone around him to prevent him from doing something stupid— like running away. Because then all would have been for naught.

It doesn’t take long before he is in fact drunk. He is sitting at the floor his head resting on the couch staring at the ceiling, not noticing that Naruto only ever nibbled on the bottle watching him worried.

„You’r ma best friend. You know."

His voice is sluggish, the words are drawn together in a way he finds funny at the moment.

„Why’m am I drunk?“

„I don’t know, teme.“

„ ’ve loved her, you know, since way back then. Would’t have never tried to kill her, wasn’t in the right state of mind— Oh and she's angry for losing our arms.“

„Sasuke. What did she say to you?"

He is obviously too drunk to hear the alarm in Naruto's voice. Instead he rambles on and on about the things he shouldn’t have done to begin with.

When he wakes up the next morning he feels as expected. Horrible. But he felt that way before he decided to get smashed so it doesn’t matter. With a stabbing headache and a dry throat he is silently thankful that Naruto was so kind to shut the binds and place a cup of tea on the table right in front of the couch. He cringes when he still remembers all the things that he told his former teammate.

„You know— She doesn’t understand that we had to brawl it out. Not that I’m suggesting you two should too but maybe you two just need to find a way so she can release her anger?“

He flinches at the loud noise Naruto makes despite him speaking quietly and makes a face at that suggestions. Sure, he will just show up and tell her she can rip off his other arm and everything will be how it used to be. He is biting on the inside of his cheeks again. He is a mess. How should he ever to talk to her when he needs to be drunk to even start to talk with someone uninvolved about his feelings.

Then someone knocks on the door and for a moment he starts to feel panicky. Until the dark-haired girl gives him a curious glance while Naruto runs around the apartment looking for clothes to wear, having completely forgotten that he has a… date?

When Sasuke is left alone he uses the opportunity to wallow a little bit in self pity for the rest of the day.

.

.

.

**XI. Injured**

The next time he sees her is when Kakashi is officially Hokage. She looks horrible. It is petty that he is relieved that not only he is suffering. He is also getting his Ninja status back under the premise that he works with team seven members only. Sasuke is no idiot, he knows that sooner or later they will have to resolve that thing between them if they ever want to work together again. And the more he things about it the Idea of brawling it out is getting more attractive.

The first thing she notices is his arm. „ _Sasuke_! What did you do?

He is waiting for her in her kitchen after a half formulated plan to get her to listens is made up.

„I have no use for it.“

He doesn’t know if she understands that how the arm is making him feel ill. It's not a part of him and he needs to have this reminder. Needs to know that he is not a monster. That he was a monster. Once. But that part of him was severed and he is here to stay and be better than his past self. He also doesn’t want to start explaining that to her in this moment.

By the look she is giving him she seems to understand and at least one of the knots in his stomach seem to come loose. He swallows.

„Sasuke, about the other day— „

She wants to back paddle. Probably apologize for everything she screamed to him. But apologzing will not resolve anything. He knows a thing or two about unresolved emotional distress and how it gnaws at you and how you need an outlet or one day you feel like exploding. He will not let her or else she will only suppress this burning rage until it eats her alive. He will not let that happen to anyone he cares about.

„Hit me“, he interrupts her and her eyes snap to him, but she is already shaking her head.

„What?“

„Go on, hit. me."

He thinks she will argue more and not hit him at all until she really surprises him with an aimed kick. Compared to the strength he knows she has it is not that hard, but he still crumples inward.

„Low blow“ he grinds out between his teeth. She is appalled and he can already see the apology formulating on her moth. He kicks swiftly back at her. Of course she dodges but he can see the fire ignite in her eyes and his stomach is suddenly on fire again. They begin to exchange blows and kicks but never use seriously damaging moves. This is not the way he wants this to go. It feels more like they are training together only its not a training ground but a small kitchen. There is also no life and death situation that gets the addrenaline working. He needs to provoke more out of her.

On her next blow he ducks swiftly under her arm in one motion, garbing her waist and using his body weight to push her against the table. As soon as Sakura realizes his intend she slaps with her flat hand at the underside of his jaw to knock his head away from her before he can even lean in.

„Stop it.“

„I won’t,“ he almost growls. Grabbing her hand and stoping him form pushing. She ties to kick him in the shins. He is not letting go of her wrist so when he moves to dodge both of them loose balance and they sprawl on the floor.

Thats when he feels some pulsating sensation in his not existing arm. A yelp escapes him. Something doesn’t feel right. But when he looks Sakura in the eyes she doesn’t seem to notice - instead she sits up and slams her first into said shoulder.

There is obviously something wrong because the next he knows that he almost passes out from the pain that floods his senses.

„Shit.“

He hears her curse.

„I’m so sorry. I think you might have damaged a nerve. Let me take a look.“

All the fighting and aimosity is gone in an instant. And the anger in her eyes vaporizes to make room for worry. Her green light is everything at his moment. Nice and warm and so uniquly Sakura. He swallows again. Now or never.

„Sakura— If you’d like— Well would you think that—„

He takes a deep breath.

„I’m shit with words. I want to be with you. And you said you wanted that too. I can deal with your resentment. You can even hit me for as long and often until it goes away. We could try, if you’d like— You said you can’t let go. So don’t."

Because when he was wallwoing in self pitty he realized that she said she loved him and that she **did** want to be with him. Right now both of them were unhappy. But if she wouldn't stop loving him (her words) then she would be unhappy no matter what she did. That way there was a chance that both of them could be happy somewhere in the future. He isn’t even sure if she gets what he is saying, what he is trying to convey to her — but she was always good at reading him, better then he was at reading her.

For a moment her fingers falter and the steady green light flickers but than it is unwavering again against his skin.

„I’m not— trusting you, you know? I’m not sure if I will ever be able to trust you. But yeah, okay.“

And than she smiles. A real smile. Not wrenched, not fake, not trough tears and not directed at anyone else, just a small tiny one that makes his heart leap. 

„See all done“, she finishes his shoulder and when he moves, the arching is gone.

.

.

.

**XII. Senseless**

"So i can hit you when ever I want?"

"Yeah."

"And i can kiss you when ever i want?"

"— yeah."

"Can I tell Ino that you are my boyfriend now and I fucking _**finally**_ win?"

He pauses and sends her an exhausted look but she only laughs in a gleeful way that sends goosebumps over his skin. He shrugs it away.

"—If you’d like."

She smiles at him with her green eyes sparkling and- _Oh._

It may be the first time in years he feels his face break out into a smile that he shares with her, before she starts again.

„So can I tell Naruto that you are—„

He interruptes her by kissing her again.

They still sit on the kitchen floor. The room is a mess from the fighting. But for this moment the mess they are in doesn’t matter.

.

.

.

**XIII. Moving on**

After that not everything resolves like smoke. Like the war it has left scares and he knows it will take a long time for her to trust in him. Maybe she never will and she will comes to her senses someday realizing that he was not worth all the pain. Maybe he will finally loose it and destroy the village and everything it stood for. 

They fight - a lot acctually. All the bottled up things both of them finaly found a release on each other. And every thing brings a new full drawer of unresolved issues that need to be dealt with. But Sasuke starts to think that it gets easier with the passage of time to let go and just be despite all this.

On some nights she wakes up from a nightmare scared out of her mind and starts attacking him. On some days he just leaves without saying a word needing the space to breath as all this is smoldering him. Sometimes he things they will break again at each other. Somehow it only makes his resolve to stay stronger.

The difference is that they talk about it. He knows (hopes) she will calm down if she releases some of her anger. She knows (hopes) he will come back later, still not allowed to leave the village despite the time moving forward.

He started talking to some medic-nin on a weekly basis. He can’t say it makes a difference but at least he is working again with his team. It doesn’t feel like the old times at all and he knows it never will. It’s different, nostalgic at times but still new. They are more stronger than they ever were and Naruto tells them that the Team needed all this time to improve to to be their best version.

Naruto is initally acting awkward around them. Being happy for them but not understanding their strange love-hate-relationship they started. 

„Stop it“, he finally snaps at his best friends making a face when he and Sakura hold hands quietly. (It feels strange calling him so, but he would feel more guilty if he didn’t after everything.)

„Sorry teme, you guys are so weird. I could have sworn Sakura was really going to kill you this time.“

„If she wanted to—„, he trails off, turning to her. He doesen’t botter trying to explain how he feels to Naruto. After everything, he things he can start to understand his brother. It was his reserved right to kill him after all (the guilt on that will never lessen) and it feels like she should be the only one to decide when she is done with him. 

He is hers - to love, and hers to destroy. How to tell his friend that without him freaking out.

He careful undwinds his hand from hers and tapps with a soft finger on her foread.

A small blush is gracing her cheeks and she smiles softly again. 

„Why do you always tap her forheard?“, the shy girl sitting next to Naruto ask in her quite wispered voice.

This is something he will never be able to express. Sakura seems to get it. Seems to get him — or maybe she doesn’t and he is just projecting his need to feel understood onto her. It is his preferred way to show her how much he appreciates her. A reminder of the love and pain he had to endure for his brother, his way to show he hast not forgotten everything that they all went trough. Just like his missing arm is a reminder of what he had done and that he can be better, this shows that there are still people out there that he can rely on. People that will keep him grounded and in this village, that on his worst days he still wants to see burn as bright as the sunlight.

But sometimes live is too complex to put into words so he settles for a simpler explanation. 

„I like her forehead."

Sakura seems to blink for a moment dumbfounded and then starts to laugh hysterically. 

**Author's Note:**

> Huff. It feels strangely intimate to upload a fanfiction for the first time in years.
> 
> So the thing is this, I always loved this pairing and was so happy that they got their happy-end after all. But since Naruto is not a romance that department felt lacking. Reading a lot of other fanfics about those two it always bugged me how Sakura basically jumps Sasuke as soon as he starts to fall for her too. He should have to work for it. Also are they teenagers that have been through a war and one of them is already emotionally stunted - add the post traumatic stress and the fact that they tried to murder each other - this needs to be addressed. Like seriously. There is no way they could start a healthy relationship without some kind of therapy. 
> 
> Through maybe I shouldn't try to apply normal standards to two fictional characters that live in a magical ninja-fantasy world. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


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